When someone holds a hard line in a conversation (“I need this done by Friday,” “We can’t change the plan,” “That’s just how it has to be”), it’s easy to respond with our own positions. But that usually gets us stuck.
If we want to navigate difficult conversations more productively, the real key is to uncover the deeper interests behind what someone is saying.
In negotiation terms, an interest is the underlying reason someone wants what they want—the concern, fear, hope, or goal beneath the surface ask. But people don’t always say these interests out loud. In fact, they rarely do.
Here’s how to uncover them.
Why It Matters: Interests vs. Positions
Most of us argue positions: “I need this,” “I want that.” But positions are rigid. Interests are flexible. Once you understand someone’s interests, you can explore more creative solutions, ones that meet both your needs and theirs.
For more on this distinction, see my previous post: Interests vs. Positions: A Better Way to Handle Difficult Conversations.
Here are three ways to uncover interests in a difficult conversation:
1. Ask “Why?” — Gently
When someone insists on something, instead of pushing back, try asking:
- “Why is that important to you?”
- “What’s your ultimate goal here?”
- “Why do you want that?”
These kinds of open-ended questions help surface what’s really going on beneath the ask. Keep in mind that tone matters. A gentle “why” invites reflection. A sharp “why” can make someone feel interrogated.
2. Listen for Emotion
Strong emotional reactions—frustration, defensiveness, hesitation—are often signals that someone’s deeper interests aren’t being addressed.
If a seemingly simple request triggers a strong reaction, that’s your cue to pause and ask: “What’s really at stake for this person?”
You don’t need to say that out loud, but keeping that question in mind helps you stay curious rather than reactive.
3. Reflect and Clarify
Sometimes people don’t even realize what’s driving their stance until they hear it reflected back. Try summarizing what you heard and checking your understanding:
- Them: “I need this report by Friday. No exceptions.”
- You: “It sounds like this deadline is really important. Can you help me understand why? Are you worried about delays affecting a larger project or something like that?”
That reflection gives them a chance to confirm or clarify what’s really going on: whether it’s pressure from their manager, fear of a missed opportunity, or something else entirely.
When Interests Are on the Table, Everything Changes
Once you’ve uncovered someone’s interests in a difficult conversation, you’ve moved from a tug-of-war to a collaboration. You’re no longer debating demands: you’re co-creating solutions that meet each other’s needs.
That doesn’t mean it’s always easy. But it does mean you’re working with each other, not against each other.
Final Thought
The next time you find yourself stuck in a difficult conversation, try asking yourself:
- “What’s the interest behind their position?”
That one shift can change everything.
The Space Between Us
This post is adapted from my newest book, The Space Between Us, released on August 12. It’s all about the small choices that make hard conversations more human.
Feel free to click on the image below if you’d like to read more!
Want to Read More?
This post is part of an ongoing series on navigating difficult conversations:
- Setting the Stage for a Difficult Conversation
- How Sharing Perspectives Lowers Defensiveness in Difficult Conversations
- Interests vs. Positions: A Better Way to Handle Difficult Conversations
- How to Uncover Interests in a Difficult Conversation
- Sit on the Same Side of the Table: How to Reframe a Difficult Conversation
- How to Use “What If?” to Keep Difficult Conversations Collaborative
More posts coming soon—thanks for reading 🙏
