Almost all of us have a deep yearning to be understood.
That being said, listening is hard. Sometimes, it can be very hard. The mental strength required to deeply listen is intense. There are times when someone else is talking and every ounce of me wants to interrupt and interject my viewpoint. It takes a lot of effort and patience to listen well. Every time I do it, though, the struggle is worth it.
Here are some quick tips on listening that have helped me personally:
Let Them Breathe
Not feeling understood can feel suffocating, like you lack air and can’t breathe. If your counterpart feels suffocated, she likely won’t pay much attention to what you have to say.
If you and I were in a room talking and all of the air suddenly got sucked out, you likely wouldn’t listen to anything I have to say. All your attention would be on finding air to breathe. This is much the same feeling one gets when she feels like she isn’t understood. She doesn’t care what you have to say until she gets some air.
View it as your mission to give your counterpart air so she can breathe as quickly as possible. You’ll be surprised how quickly the argument will dissolve and turn into a positive, productive conversation. You can do this by making her feel understood.
Rephrase and Label Emotions
To show someone we understand her, we should repeat back what she said in our own words, essentially summarizing what she just said. If there are emotions tied to what she said, we should also label those emotions.
For example, if someone just got done venting about how much she hates her job because she doesn’t feel challenged and does the same thing over and over, I could say something like, “So it sounds like you are really unhappy at work because you don’t feel like you’re learning or growing. Is that right?”
Ask Questions vs Making Statements
Conversations are fluid, and it may not always be apparent how you can repeat something back to the other person and label their emotion. When this happens, ask questions such as:
Can you explain what you meant when you said ___?
Can you tell me more about ___?
Why did you feel ___ when that happened?
Questions like those invite the other person to sift through their thoughts and expand, helping you, and even themselves, truly understand how they’re feeling.
Statements can be confrontational, putting the other person on guard. Questions, on the other hand, are more exploratory and comfortable.
Try to Get the Other Person to Say “That’s Right”
Whenever someone says “That’s right” to something you’ve said, you have reached clarity and understanding. Keep rephrasing and repeating back what the other person says, label emotions, and ask questions to gain understanding until the other person says, “Yes, that’s right.”
Resist the Urge to Defend or Problem-Solve
Two types of conversations in which listening is incredibly important are arguments and conversations dealing with problems.
Arguments
During an argument, your counterpart is likely expressing thoughts that can be perceived as attacks. Our initial instinct is to defend ourselves or share our perspective, but before we do, it is important we make our counterpart feel heard. If some of my team members just got done telling me they feel I prioritize making money over their safety in the workplace, my initial instinct is to immediately defend myself and tell them why they’re wrong. However, first I need to give them air to breathe. Responding like this is much more effective:
“To make sure I heard you correctly, it sounds like based on a few decisions I’ve made over the past couple of months, you think I am focused more on making money than the team’s safety, and it’s making you feel unhappy and unsafe at work. Is that right?”
Assuming they agree (which is already a huge step towards finding common ground), I’d continue with:
“Okay, I understand where you’re coming from, and I’m very sorry I made you all feel that way. I value your safety significantly more than money. Without you as my team, the company wouldn’t exist. If it’s okay with you, I’d like to walk through the examples you shared of decisions I’ve made, explain my point of view on them, and then hear from you how I could’ve acted differently to not make you feel unsafe. Is that all right with you?”
After saying something like this, the hostility will likely have dissipated, no one is in a defending posture, and we can talk through the issues on the same side of the table vs opposing sides.
Problems
During a conversation dealing with problems, most people’s initial reaction is to start problem-solving.
Many times, the initial problem identified is a symptom of a deeper root cause, and time spent treating symptoms vs root causes isn’t very effective. For example, someone may express they are unhappy with their job. If I immediately try to solve this problem, I may focus on helping him update his resume and look for a new job. However, if instead I keep reflecting and labeling, the conversation could go something like this:
HIM: “I’ve been a funk lately because I’m so miserable at work. Something needs to change.”
ME: “I’m sorry to hear that. It sounds like work is making you unhappy, so you want a change like getting a new job?”
HIM: “Well, no, I like the company I work for. I was hired to do digital marketing, but I’m spending all my time focusing on internal communications.”
ME: “So you’re frustrated you aren’t doing what you were hired to do?”
HIM: “Not just that, but I got my degree in digital marketing and that’s my passion.”
ME: “Oh, so you want to stay with your current company, but you just aren’t doing work you’re passionate about. Sounds like you need to find a way to switch to the digital marketing department. Is that right?”
HIM: “Yes, exactly.”
The root cause is not just that he dislikes his job; it’s that he is not using his passion of digital marketing. The problem-solving can begin now. We should focus on what he needs to do to get transferred to a new department, not updating his resume and looking for new jobs.
Whenever the conversation deals with an argument or someone bringing up a problem, resist the urge to defend or problem-solve. Listen by reflecting, labeling, and asking questions until the other person confirms you understand.
Have Patience
Nearly every time I empathetically listen to people and repeat back to them what they just said, they correct me.
Many times when they correct me, they’re either introducing new information or going against something they just said. Sometimes I feel a flash of frustration because it appears like they are changing their story.
Our minds are curious things. We may think and believe one thing, but when we hear someone repeat it back to us, it sounds different than we thought. We change our mind, and that’s okay. In fact, that’s better than okay. When this happens, we are helping the other person clarify her thoughts, which can be very cleansing.
Respond to Emotions with Emotion and Logic with Logic
When someone is expressing emotions, don’t respond back with logic. Instead, identify and label his emotions so he feels you understand. If you respond with logic, he’ll likely not be receptive and will argue with you because he feels you don’t fully understand his perspective.
When someone is speaking logically, now is the time to respond with logic.
A typical conversation will switch back and forth between logical and emotional discussions, almost like a dance. By staying in sync with your counterpart, you’ll keep progressing forward.
Conclusion
I encourage you to challenge yourself in the next in-depth disagreement you have with someone to truly listen and make him feel understood. No matter how stubborn or angry the other person sounds, remember that he is just suffocating from not feeling understood.
It will be worth it. I promise.
The Dark Fairy
For a more in-depth exploration of listening, check out a book I recently published called The Dark Fairy: a story showing individuals and teams how to listen and ensure others feel understood. The Dark Fairy is a bite-sized fictional story that teaches how to listen, why to listen, and how to ensure others feel understood.
You can order it by clicking the image below.
Thanks for reading!
